The modified Coulomb interaction in two-dimensional (2D) materials gives rise to unique, non-analytic low-momentum dispersions of excitons, phonons, and plasmons. Here, we describe the 2D dispersion of longitudinal excitations by introducing the optical conductivity approximation (OCA), a unified framework that evaluates the finite-q longitudinal response probed by electron energy-loss spectroscopy (q-EELS) by only using the q = 0 optical conductivity. By doing so, the approach demonstrates that the linear dispersion of all the above mentioned excitations is mainly due to the form of the 2D macroscopic Coulomb interaction rather than to the dispersion of the underlying band structure. Applying this approach to hexagonal boron nitride and graphene we accurately reproduce the energy and intensity dispersions of the hBN longitudinal-optical phonon and low-energy bright excitons, along with the graphene pi-plasmon. Our work also provides an efficient computational scheme to describe low momentum EELS data without the need to calculate the response functions at dense moment